Adoption, The Hard Parts and The Good Parts

(If this blog starts feeling negative, read to the end, it turns positive there! :)

It has taken me a long time to feel a complete connection with my little girl. I loved her, and took care of her and would have done pretty much anything for her, but I didn't feel normal or real. I knew from research before adopting that this is normal so it didn't worry me too much. I didn't like it, but then, I didn't like the looonnnggg time of post adoption depression I went through either. That also is very normal, for those of you who have never adopted or studied it.

I'm gonna be honest. It's not easy! Telling people who you love, and having them be excited for you is fun, the excitement of waiting is fun, buying things for the child you are waiting for is fun, the meeting of your child for the first time is over the moon and hard to even wrap your brain around. Going to bring her home is the best thing I've ever done. I've never ever regretted adopting my little girl. The thought never went through my mind. I've loved her since about the third day of meeting her when I felt God move my heart and I loved her and felt it.
But, it's not all fun. It's hard, harder than anyone can imagine. I heard a lot of criticism for adoptive parents before I adopted. I even criticized them. I didn't have a clue, and neither does anyone else who hasn't adopted.
Bringing a child home from another country, from an orphanage, is not easy for them either. They don't understand having someone as 'theirs', no one has ever had their back, or had a special interest in them. They are malnourished, even if they have some chub on their cheeks, it doesn't mean they are healthy. I thought my daughter was fairly healthy for typical EE orphanages, but even she had dry brittle hair and a bald spot from malnutrition. She gained two pounds in the first 5 days of me having her! Her skin was odd colored and scabby, and very translucent. That changed in the first 2 weeks home. Her bald spot was gone in about a month or two. They have no idea their life is changing for the better. They have been inside the same few rooms all their lives and suddenly they are in a car! in a motel, in an airplane, with lots and lots and lots of people all around them. sights and sounds they never heard. LOTS of noise! Their food changes - None of the familiar foods. (I tried, but I don't know what they were feeding, she didn't like the stuff I got that they said they fed her) And all with someone who doesn't speak their language. All this to say, it's not easy for the child either. People say my child is lucky to have a family, and to have gotten out before the adoptions were shut down to americans. I don't like that being said for so many reasons. For one, I don't believe it was luck. I believe it was the hand of God working. two. She is not lucky for loosing her biological mom. for living in an orphanage for 2 years where no one cares about you more than a babysitter would who switches with other babysitters every few hours and who doesn't spend any one on one time with you. Three. for loosing her country of heritage. We can look on and say she got a better country, and while I feel she did, it's still a loss. SO, lucky? she has gone through more hard things in her life than most americans will in a life time.
The first few month home, I tried to keep her world very small. I craved being with people! I wanted to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!! But, I knew it was not in her best interest. While she enjoyed getting out, she couldn't handle it. She would lose it and start screaming. Anyone who was around us a time or two knows what I mean when I say she screamed! :) But, I know I had it good. She screamed but not on and on like some kids. It was her way of saying she couldn't take it anymore. So, we stayed home mostly. Looking back, the months are a blurr. I remember certain people who made it a point to come and play or stay or help us. I don't think I'll ever be able to let them know how much that meant to me! and to us both!
Being real, I had what is called post adoption depression. It wasn't crippling where I couldn't operated day to day. But I couldn't feel. I felt wooden. I kissed my child, I held her A LOT! I rocked her, I thought up things to help her feel secure and loved. I did every thing I could to make the transition easier for her. But I didn't feel. I didn't like it, but I knew what it was, and that helped! I was linked in with other Russian adoptive moms online and that helped tremendously! They were a real help when things came up that I didn't know what to do about. When G did things I didn't understand or know how to deal with, I went online and had people who had been there, done that, answering me within an hour or two. I don't know how I would have survived without them. I told them how I was feeling and after a few month, they suggested I go back to work part time. A few weeks after that, I did. It did help some. But in reality, it took more than a year to finally feel like I was over and done with the depression and could really feel like myself.
She was in survival mode for most of her little life. Basically on high alert. Nothing escapes her attention. She sees and remembers everything.
And now for the happy part. The last few weeks have been sooo good. Not perfect. Is life ever perfect? But GOOD! I feel like myself, my daughter is calmer than I have ever seen her, she sings most of the day. She laughs and we tease each other, we have our way of doing things and it feels comfortable and right. I can go to a friends house and talk without feeling interrupted every five seconds with an insecure child who can't tolerate me talking to someone other than her. She is starting to enjoy and feel safe around other children. (some of the credit goes to a great babysitter) I put her to bed at night and she asks for more kisses. She calls me back in the room 3-7 times a night just to have me pull her covers up, it gets a bit old, yeah, but seeing her smile and wiggle in pleasure at seeing me makes it worth it. And like all kids, after she is in bed, she needs to go potty. She will walk past me slowly, hoping I turn around and smile at her. Then she comes back and comes over and says "mommy, I need a hug." Nothing sounds better than that!
All this to say, Adoption is hard, on both the parent and the child. It's not easy in any way. But, there is nothing better. Seeing the child attach well, seeing them heal from their past and knowing you helped to bring it about is amazing and wonderful. Having your child learning to pray, beginning to grasp the concept of God and Jesus, and loving to hear bible stories more than any other book she has, is incredible! All around, adoption is a wonderful miracle, and I thank God for bringing my wonderful daughter to me!

She hates staying still to get braids, but she was proud of them for a day!

I made a homemade trapeze bar for the basement, she loves it!

Silly faces to send to Grandma :)

With her cousins in Florida

PineCraft - with Ashley

Today's beautiful snow with my beautiful child

She loves snow, never ready to come in

Leaving the beach in Florida, we were there over Christmas.

Trying to outrun the waves with Grandma! She LOOOOOVVVEESS this!!

Happy Family